Accidentally convinced some guys that I was a lesbian and stole some guy’s camo Budweiser hat. Day in the life.
We have an odd relationship.
- Guy at work: ¿Como estas, mi novia?
- Me: ¡Callate la boca!
- Guy: Besos, besos.
- Me: ¡Bésame el culo!
- Old man: Excuse me, what does the back of your sweatshirt mean? North Carolina something? #NBHNC?
- Me: Uh.. Yeah, no. You don't want to know.
Actually happened
- Jess: Are you going to leave soon?
- Me: I want to say yes but Mehdi is having me help a guest who lost his car.
- Jess: *laughing*
- Me: ... No, I'm serious.
- Me: So what'd you make?
- Allison: An omelette.
- Me: Knew it.
- Allison: I only know how to make two things.
- Me: Omelettes and BLTs. And you aren't allowed to make BLTs.
- Allison: I was going to say peanut butter and jellies. I don't count BLTs anymore.
My sister isn't exactly domestic
- Allison: Where are the purple onions?
- Me: (point to cupboard)
- Allison: (holding onion) is this it?
- Me: ... Is it purple?
- Allison: Yes.
- Me: Then yes. If the onion is purple, it is a purple onion.
Let me just say that i stumbled upon your blog, and just spent the last 10 minutes reading your posts aloud to my brother… i’m trying to not pee my pants while laughing :) Thank you so much! :D
Awesome! Love hearing that :) Thank you
holy fuck
- Me: (Picking up phone) Thank you for calling _____, this is Pierce. How may I assist you?
- Caller: Ay yo, girl.
- Me: Hello?
- Caller: You remember me?
- Me: I'm sorry sir, I do not. How may I help you?
- Caller: Why you wearing those tights?
- Me: ... Excuse me?
- Caller: What happened to the stockings? The sheer ones that show your toes. Why you wearing those tights today? You used to not wear any hose at all and now this?
- Me: Where are you.
- Caller: Don't worry about that, sugar. Just wear them stockings!
- Me: ... BILL!
- Caller: Oh, boo, don't play like that. I'll see you later. (Click.)
- Girl 1: Did you see that?!
- Girl 2: I missed it, what happened?
- Girl 1: Some random guy went all Jeffrey Dahmer on that girl for a second. She was looking down at her phone and he swooped down on her, she yelled, he put his arms around her and started whispering in her ear.
- Girl 2: What the fuck! Where is he? When did this happen?
- Girl 1's Boyfriend: I was ready to beat that guy's ass if he stayed there for one more second. You did not look happy to have him there.
Then the second creep came along...
- Me: (Playing solitaire on my phone because I'm trying to avoid making eye contact with the first creepy guy.)
- Random Guy: (Swoops down next to me when I'm not looking, puts his arms around me.)
- Me: (Cry out, almost punch him in the face.)
- Guy: I've been watching you for the past 20 minutes and you're, like, so hot. I don't know if you're trying or not but whatever you're doing works.
- Me: Uhhh... Thanks...?
- Guy: (Goes back to drunk friends, gets off metro.)
